Dropping Bricks

Conviction is a rather fascinating thing. It's heartbreaking until you realize it is a call for rejoicing, as Nehemiah 8:9-11 discusses.

God reveals sin in run-of-the-mill activities. When he does, it's like getting hit in the nose with a brick that you tossed into the air yourself. God makes sure the brick lands on you so that you know that the sin exists.

Since elementary school, I've been known as one of the "nice people." It's been easy for me to settle into this reputation and lower my guard in my relationships, opening myself to unchecked pride and impatience with others. Lately, I've been struggling with some bad attitudes toward people, and the Lord faithfully revealed them to me today. Without him, these little black spots that dirty my conscience would go unnoticed for much too long -- after all, no one wants to admit that they deal with jealousy, bitterness, anger, etc. -- and we would just keep feeding them and impeding our own spiritual growth.

In Psalm 19:12, David prayed,

Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults.

Christ indwells us as the Holy Spirit, and the Holy Spirit convicts us. Because of conviction, if we're willing to be obedient to the Lord, we don't have to fear that sin -- even our "hidden faults" -- will overtake us. In the past, I often worried that my faith would crumble if I didn't keep a close eye on my "good/bad list" every minute (This morphed into major legalism after awhile). I was cowering in fear, rather than pursuing the Lord and relying on him to speak to me through his power and Word as I pursued.

I am thankful for conviction, though it hurts. I'm not going to "eat the fat and drink sweet wine" right now, but I am going to rejoice over it!

Hit the Floor

Bear with my childish enthusiasm, and these two correspondingly simple sentences: sometimes, life is overwhelmingly fun. There are so many cool things to learn while we're here. 

To think -- we will never  come to the end of knowledge, nor reach the limits of talent!

That's my verbose way of introducing the story of a girl who was a dancer in another life. Who's the girl? Well, me, of course. Silly [dear] reader!

I like, and have honed my talents in, a few creative endeavors; namely, singing, writing and sketching. Over the years, though, I've discovered how much I want to dance. I harbor that desire, along with all my other silly fantasies, in my head, and have ever since I was a dancer in high school musical theater. 

I've dreamt of mastering

- First, ballet,

- Later, Irish step dancing,

- And lately,  hip-hop.

Don't laugh! (Hehe...)

I keep having dreams that involve my getting into an exclusive group by proving I'm a good dancer (remember my post about the "party boat?"). It's weird. My fellow professional writing student Jelani ribs me about the dreams, though I insist I can't hip-hop dance. As a joke, he sent me a video with a five-minute-long dance sequence that made my head spin. He demanded I learn it. I fired up the video to hear that catchy, pulsing beat underscoring the words "clap your hands to the beat this instant!" Right.

Anyhow, I decided to learn some basic moves as a joke. I found some instructional videos on--where else?--youtube. Two days later, I'm still watching the videos, and have spent the last hour seeing if I can pull off the moves in front of a mirror. I don't mind making a fool of myself when my reflection's the only audience, after all!

Contrary to what you might believe, I'm not keeping at it just because I'm perfectionistic and stubborn (both of which I'm working on). I simply love it. Dancing is just too fun. It wouldn't have been realistic for me to cram lessons into my already-hectic middle and high school schedule. 

Perhaps I'm slowly getting it out of my system. Until then, my poor reflection is going to have to endure yet another episode of "Jaimie Krycho Tries to Learn Hip-Hop Dancing." 

It's a comedy, by the way.

Where's the Fun in God?

God has a sense of humor, made clear by the fact that we have a sense of humor, and that there are things like this walking the face of the earth.

Why, then, do I see God as so unflaggingly serious?

Karen (my mentor) and I are working through the "Be Transformed" Bible study this summer. It's material she used to counsel me for the last year that changed my life before I ever even saw the book. The current lesson helped me uncover some faulty views of God that I've nursed over the years.

If you know me well, these samples won't surprise you:

OH MY GOSH! Chris just scared the heck out of me by hijacking my screen from the other room using his Mac! I thought Verk 4--that's my MacBook--was haunted! I just typed the above colon when the screen started typing on itself:

"II' am really pretty! Yay! Chris loves me! Sorry..." <(the "II' am" was the result of me trying to fight the computer ghost)

Anyway, as I was saying, these samples won't surprise you:
- I feel as if I need to be favored by God to be worth anything as a Christian.
- I feel as if God gets exasperated with me.
- I feel approved of when I'm "doing things right" but shunned when I make a mistake.

Based Jesus' statement that he and the Father are one, the Bible study instructed me to write down my emotional understanding of Jesus and compare it to my understanding of God. They were quite different, but one thing stayed the same: I feel like Jesus and God are hard to approach, hard to relate to, and very, very serious.

And sure, of course they're serious! But that's not all they are.

For some reason, though, I can't seem to fit extreme joy, giddiness, delight into what I read about God in the Bible. I know it must be in there somewhere! God created me with a very happy heart that loves life, so that is, unquestionably, part of him, my Creator. Why can't I see it?

Any insight, dear reader? If I find a vestige of an answer, I'll let you know!
Until then, I'm off to cook dinner with Chelsea!

Losing Control Never Looked So Good

If there's a specific moment where you give your life up, I haven't put my finger on it, yet.

The concept of "Losing your life" is amorphous, yet I can almost reach out and touch it. The moment you realize that nothing you do for yourself matters is the same moment you realize, as in Hannah Hurnard's Hinds' Feet on High Places, that it is "happy to love." After you surrender, you know that there will be more joy and satisfaction in your life than you've ever known, and that it will just keep growing.

It hardly makes sense! If you lose everything that gives you control, or maybe just orients you in reality as you know it to be, what comes afterward? What specifically brings the joy and satisfaction? It's like flinging yourself off a cliff only to land on a precipice. You do the appointed task there, and then jump off again.

You know, I've never been much of a thrill seeker, but it would be the greatest honor to be given the power to finally jump.

I don't think it is a lighting bolt moment...simply the end of one process, and the beginning of a new one.

That, dear reader, is pretty exciting.

A Musical Shot of Endorphins

Karen, whom I mentioned in my post about fists, once advised me to compile a list of things that make me happy or lift my spirits.

Because I am a woman, those things only work from day to day (sorry, men, you'll never figure us out), although I've found one happy pill that hasn't failed yet.

Listen to this vibrant Swahili song, "Baba Yetu," the lyrics of which are The Lord's Prayer.
I'm serious! Listen! You won't regret it:

http://www.tinworksmusic.com/

Go to "Samples." Then, go to the first item on the list, "Civilization IV" (yes, there are two so-titled links, and it's the first).

Hope you share my happy!

Mom's Advice Finally Makes Sense

During those lovely middle and high school days, when I was frustrated about boys and homework and would whine to Mom about them, she always answered, "Jaimie, just take it one day at a time."

The advice used to drive me crazy for its sheer frequency! It took me awhile to discover that it's Biblical, and, not surprisingly, eminently wise. Matthew 6:30-34 reminds us

"But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

"Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble."

Right now, it's all I can do to put one foot in front of the other, so I guess that's what I should keep on doing. One thing I've found is that having short-term goals, like "Today, I'm going to bake something from scratch," or "Today, I'm going to have a good conversation with my husband over dinner, or "Today, I'm going to run a warm-up mile," helps keep me focused on just living.

I admit that I wonder if I'm not simply trying to distract myself with these goals.

Despite my doubts, I know that in the end, that's not the case. I love life's details, because I love life. God has blessed me in countless, beautiful ways, and they are worth celebrating somehow.

I have to hone in on the specifics that I love right now, since life's "big picture" has nearly drowned me every time it's swept over me. Yet, God is faithful...

Next goal: Smile, and don't hold back comments in class!

Hopeful, Not Hoodwinked

It's fall, and the whole world breathes in a little more deeply.

U2 is at OU, and the whole campus breathes in a little more coolness. Not least because there's a funky green stage in our stadium.

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Philippians 4:8-9, which Bruce preached on today (and which my very cool husband blogged about), was a balm for the wounds of my raw cynicism that I told you about in the last post:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

This doesn't mean making Olsteen proud with your-best-life-now optimism; "practicing these things" won't make problems just go away. However, a right (and I do mean right, since it's Biblical) perspective is, at the least, effective counter-cynicism.

Right perspective or focus is of the essence. Of course there are things that I can balk and despair at daily; we live in a nasty, fallen world. I'm sure Paul knew that when he wrote Philippians (he certainly did in 2 Corinthians 1:8-9, where he says "we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself"). However, we are instructed to think differently than how our natural tendencies would lead us.

There's a good reason for all that is written in the Word.

Thank you, Lord, that "your word is truth" (John 17:17), and your truth is encouragement beyond any pep-talks I could ever give myself!

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P.S. I think I may have a food allergy. I will assume the fetal position for several weeks if it ends us being either lactose or gluten. More on that, later!

Giving it a rest

Sometimes we get so caught up in planning things to do that we have no time to consider if we even want to do the things we plan.

Last semester, I enslaved myself through planning. Isn't that sick? I'm a checklister--to a fault, sometimes--and I made the ultimate weekly list. I recalled to my husband last night that every lunch and dinner was taken by a particular,scheduled person on campus. I enjoyed spending time with each of those people immensely, but when someone cancelled, and I discovered I had a free hour?! ...NO WAY! It was too exciting. I made sure to use it to isolate myself in a booth and eat a quiet,cozy lunch with my companion, a book. A non-textbook, on special occasions.

It's not that I was face of every student organization or something, though I was involved in various organized activities. The issue was, on top of external concerns, I was undergoing changes in mindset and lifestyle that affected my use of time and amount of energy (Don't let anyone tell you that the material/physical and emotional/spiritual worlds are disconnected from one another).

I'm a social artsy introvert, but I'm still an artsy introvert! My means of rest, reading, writing, dreaming and the like, were nonexistent. It was draining!

I reflect on this, because this summer was--I can tell this semester is going to be--vastly different. Over the summer, I was able to pick up habitual leisure reading again; I hadn't done so in nearly 2 years. I had forgotten how much I love it. Over the past month, I have picked up habitual leisure writing again. I love that even more! Now for the clincher, which should be painfully obvious, but isn't, at least to me: The things we are passionate about doing are important to do. Maybe, honing and sharpening our passions is as important as schoolwork (gasp!) or socializing (oh my!). Of course, honing passions, schoolwork and socializing aren't mutually exclusive; I'm not trying to say we should choose one over the other. But my life is evidence that putting your passions on the back-burner will negatively affect you.

There is something very spiritual about the small, deep joys of life, the ones we find in simple things like good music and sunrises. Our delight in God's gifts brings Him delight! We are each wired to enjoy some gifts more than others, and to be gifted in some ways more than others. We should embrace this!

So if you're like me and often need a little push, here it is: Sit back and enjoy your life sometimes! I'm living proof that it won't kill you (no pun intended)!

Meanwhile, I'll keep trying to do the same!