A Fictional Character's Favorite Question

I'm really bad about asking "why?" I mean, I do it way too often, and always expect an answer. Case in point: twice, I inadvertently wrote this aspect of me into the main character of my short story "House Divided..."

Nothing was more frustrating than confusion.

Not really knowing why things were the way they were infuriated her. Now that she had come to this milestone, her education seemed glaringly incomplete.

As of late I've been convinced that God is using the lack of answers to my "whys" to show me what trust really looks like.

It's particularly hard to trust God's goodness and sovereignty in areas I feel like I can and should have control over. One of these areas is the state of my own heart. My misinformed view--though I know better, on an intellectual level--is that God wants our hearts right before him, meaning I need to make that happen myself. Whether assiduously reading my Bible, memorizing x number of verses or helping x number of people, I use my Christian checklist to try to force myself to grow.

Once again, the Word shines light on falsehood and gives me yet another reason to have hope and joy in the God of my salvation:

Philippians 1:6 - "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you [ie. not you own self] will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."

Then there's Paul, who, in the context of a discussion in Philippians 3 about pressing onward to gain a righteousness by faith, says, "Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. Only let us hold true to what we have attained."

What a comfort! As we pursue God, we may "think otherwise." Though our mind may hold fast to a viewpoint, God has the power to break through the most stubborn barrier and show us reality. Only he can do it, and he will.

Down with you, thou green-eyed fiend!

Oh, dear reader. Why is it so easy to compare oneself to other people in so many ways--spiritually, in particular?

I have seen a dark little plant growing in my heart over the past few years: an on-and-off stubbornness against rejoicing in God's work in others. Many stories I hear and things I see cause me to share praise, awe and joy with the people involved. However...

...when the plant sends out its nasty scent, my mind turns to my own inability to "do/be anything good," and it causes discouragement, despondence and spiritual jealousy. Turning my eyes toward myself is a dangerous game.

I will not pretend that my desire to do good justifies such an attitude. Jesus instructs the crowd in Matthew 6:1 to "beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them."

Also, a verse very meaningful to me in Galatians 3:2-3, as Paul speaks to the churches of, where else?, Galatia: "Let me ask you only this: Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?"

My jealousy indicates two things.

1. I don't acknowledge that God loves me because he created me, not because I'm useful. He wants me to live for him, not live like him for others.

2. I see spiritual growth as a reward for having done something "right." I feel that if I'm not growing, or not "experiencing" God with strong emotions, I am doing something wrong (I'm sure I've blogged about this before). Those who are "more spiritual" than me must be God's favorites, right? :p

I really want this to end. How fruitless it is to strive before others to be everything to everyone. It's an impossible--and very tiring--feat! All the while, my King promises that if I seek him first, he will add things unto me, and not temporary earthly things. They will be much better than the things I thought I wanted as my will aligns with God's.

Heal my heart and make it clean, open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me!
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause.
As I walk from earth into eternity

[Hosanna!]

We must de-glamorize stubbornness.

Since I was in middle school, I liked--no, loved--my reputation of being stubborn. There was a certain romance to it: I could stand up to boys with it (especially when I lacked for wit), I could plow forward when no one else wanted to, I could be a heroine in my own little world. Now I know that the trait I loved was just a sin I loved.

Can't stubbornness be good, you ask?

No. Having a strong will is good; having a stubborn attitude/heart is not. My husband is fond of pointing this out ("Semantics are important!" he says, quite rightly). A strong will, among other things, helps people stand on their convictions. Stubbornness, on the other hand...well, see for yourself.

First, I found the following web definitions for stubbornness on princeton.edu:
- the trait of being difficult to handle or overcome
- resolute adherence to your own ideas or desires

The first definition sounds pretty negative, if you ask me. The second hits on my main point, which is stubbornness is self-glorification. That's bad.

I've been reading through Jeremiah--WOW did he have a tough job!--as the prophet speaks the judging words of God to miscreant Israel: "...I solemnly warned your fathers when I brought them up out of the land of Egypt, warning them persistently, even to this day, saying, Obey my voice. Yet they did not obey or incline their ear, but everyone walked in the stubbornness of his evil heart. Therefore I brought upon them all the words of this covenant, which I commanded them to do, but they did not." (Jeremiah 11.7-8)

I think it's clear. God does not want us to be stubborn!