Naptime Reflections - Feelings & Hard Things

I had a great conversation with my mother-in-law about hard things. Hard things like the death toll in Nepal. Hard things like loved ones going through a horrible struggle. You fill in the blank.

My mom-in-law works on Christian curriculum for orphans overseas. She's been to several countries and continents and seen the devastation in the children's lives firsthand. Being an emotional person (like I am), she talked about how hard it is not to take work home with her, and go to pieces over the difficulty she sees in everyday life, not understanding why God allows it.

She told me, essentially, that she's learning that faith is an exercise of the mind. We have to discipline our mind so as not to let the feelings take over - not quash the feelings or pretend they aren't there - but to hang on tight to what we know to be true about God's character. It reminded me of something a Bible teacher shared with me in 6th grade (oh, so long ago).

It's the fact-faith-feeling train! Haha. But really, "fact-faith-feeling" is a pithy representation of an ordered way to think. It means that feelings should be in submission to what we know as fact (from Scripture) and what we hold to by faith. This is my personal lifelong challenge and - I suspect - a challenge for everyone at some point in their spiritual walk.

Fear & Frontier

I can feel my blood pressure rising, my pulse quicken with anxiety. Why? One word: transition.

A new season of transition has begun. The last one began with Ellie's birth. Now, just when I was feeling like I had motherhood in hand, I turn around to see my five-month-old barrel roll across the floor to get into the Xbox wires, and eat her first solid foods (which I'm going to have to start actually cooking and storing soon), and take two naps instead of four (meaning I have less time for writing and voice acting), in addition to realizing that we're moving across the country in two months, and my husband's going to school and working part-time, and I'm not going to know where the grocery store in Wake Forest is.

It's new, and so it scares me. And while slipping into the all-too-comfortable "American Dream" scares me more, a house, white picket fence and 2.5 children certainly sounds a whole lot safer.

I mean, how will I know who I'm going to be in these new situations? I know how I am now - I can avoid the pitfalls easily. But in the future, when new stresses beset me and I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off because Ellie spilled her milk and rubbed peanut butter in her hair and the maybe-new-baby is squalling because he/she rolled over onto a sticker and I haven't taken a shower in two days and we have to adjust the grocery budget because prices went up and income went down and we're taking our first overseas family mission trip in three weeks...then, who will I be? How will I handle it? Can I accomplish every task set out for me in that dark frontier of the days I've not yet lived?

But isn't this a picture of my whole life? Have I ever really known what I was doing? I'd say no, and as it turns out, God has not failed me in staying true to his good, gracious, sovereign character to date. This doesn't make my feelings go away, but the Word does command me not to be afraid. It says to bring my requests to God in prayer and thanksgiving, instead. Friends, if you think of me, will you pray that I will turn my fear of transition over to the Lord in thankful prayer as soon as it arises? I could use the prayers, and the reminders of just how in control God is over periods of great change.

Status and Stasis

Hello, world out there!

It's been many a day since I last blogged, and for that, I beg your forgiveness. Not that any of you were holding it against me, but oh well.

Life in the Krycho household is fine. God has restored a lot of happiness around here since I've been doing so much better. No big news to share - Chris continues to work faithfully, even when he has no work, and I continue to slave away in school against the slings and arrows of outrageous senioritis and the desire to do nothing else but work on my fantasy novel.

Lately, I've been taking care of my Nepalese friends's - Keshav and Deva's - two young children, ages two and six (as well as occasionally getting to hold their newborn!). It has been quite the learning experience for me. I've taken care of kids before, having worked in my former church's daycare for three years. Since I'm living in the same apartment complex as these kids, though, I can go over at random times, invite them outside to play, bake cookies with them...the possibilities are endless.

Because of that, I more fully realize how difficult it is to care for children, especially when they're disobeying! Parenthood carries a weight of responsibility that I cannot fathom until I experience it, I'm sure. That's why I can now say: I can rest in goodness of the fact that Chris and I do not have children yet.  God knows what he's doing. I will rejoice like crazy when I am finally a mother, but until then, I have a glimpse of a reason why God is postponing that stage of our lives (or perhaps we'll  never be parents, and if that is God's will, it is still good).

So there's that. I'm also blessed by my friendship with that family, particularly with Deva. It's different than anything I've known, especially when it comes to talking about God and Christ. Deva, like the rest of her family, is Hindu, which means (in addition to other things, of course) that "she respects all religions." Instead of butting up against staunch atheism or deism, I am now facing a tolerant polytheism that draws the Christian God in as just another deity in a line of divine beings.

This is forcing me to trust God in a new way -- to truly acknowledge that salvation is always miraculous, and the miracle that God works at other times in ways that are way more familiar to me is just as possible here with Deva and her family. Our God does not change from situation to situation, and that is profoundly comforting.

Making Friends is a Dilemma

Three weeks ago, I met a math grad student, probably in his early thirties, at the bus stop. He looked eager to chat--though I wasn't overwhelmingly social, I commented about the bus being late, and the conversation launched.

Kessau is a very cool, perpetually grinning guy from Nepal. After taking Perspectives on the World Christian Movement at Trinity Baptist Church, I am acutely aware of the variety of different "nations," if you will, all over the community, so meeting Kessau was encouraging. Plus, I want to get to know more families in our apartment complex.

Kessau called me awhile back, just to talk, because "he was bored" sitting in his office on campus. I invited him to a party--for Perspectives, no less!--so he could meet more people. He still calls me at least once a week, which I find amusing, because such calls are not generally appropriate between two acquaintances of the opposite sex, both married. Of course, the intention is entirely platonic--he said he'd like to have both Chris and I over "for tea and to talk" some time.

He called again today and wanted to hang out. I've been immersed in the hustle and bustle of wedding prep for my friend Aneissa, so I politely declined. He understood, and mentioned that maybe we could go out for a drink one day (the Library being his bar of choice). Again, cultural no-no.

The situation isn't disturbing to me by any means--I simply don't know how to react! Here's my thing. I want to cultivate relationships with people I can share the gospel with. Therefore, I don't want to keep turning down Kessau's invitations, especially since the Krycho schedule's not going to get much more open (mine will be, I think, but not my hubby's). Meanwhile, Chris and I spend time with Christians, for the most part. This may sound awful, but given a choice, how do I know whether I should help a Christian or a non-Christian to do maximum kingdom work? Ack! Horrible question! I wish it never passed through my mind!

I'm afraid of becoming lazy and squandering opportunities to serve God, even though I'm not even given to laziness. I'm afraid that the Holy Spirit won't step in and convict me if I grow to be a sluggard, and I'll just keep riding the downward spiral of sin.

The downward spiral of sin. Sounds like a ride at Six Flags.

Anyway, all that to say, I don't want to turn down invitations I'm "supposed to take." Actually I feel like I'm "not supposed to" ever turn down such invitations, no matter how little time I have or how strange the invitation is (read: going out by myself for a drink with a man not my husband), lest I be a "bad Christian." I know, it's awful theology, huh?

I'm sitting here feeling guilty for saying no, while realizing that I'm making a person into a project again. This is my cue, dear reader, to do something else for awhile--namely, pray, eat and read book six of Wheel of Time.