Friday, December 11, 2009

Guilt and Breakthrough

So...I skipped class today.

It is only the second time I've skipped class all semester, and I was coming back from a doctor's appointment and knew I couldn't make it to school on time.

So, dear reader, tell me why I feel so darn guilty!

My entire life, I've built my sense of self-worth on the things I've gotten "right." It creates a strange pride: self-love when I succeed and self-loathing when I fail, as if I am the only one in the world not allowed to be imperfect.

Seriously, how do you extricate that kind of thinking/behavior from your lifestyle when it's all you've know for twenty years? Only by the grace of God, I'm told. I'm waiting for that specific grace as if waiting for a bolt of lightning to strike, even though I know that God tends to work more...progressively, I suppose. I must admit, I don't like the fact that sanctification takes time.

No duh, right?

I am an impatient person. I'm impatient with myself, and I'm impatient with God. Might as well face the facts.

That's where I'm at, and I joy in the knowledge that I won't be here forever. This will take baby steps, like most worthwhile things do. Here goes step one.


  1. This is why you and I get along so well...Amazing how common that kind of thought can be, huh?

    By the way, part of how I've broken the old guilt thing is by "rebelling" at times. David can tell you how mellow my little rebellions against expectations are...still they are freeing to me. :P

    Love you!

  2. And I meant to say, "yeah for skipping class!!" I can say that with complete integrity since you are now child #4 of the over achiever variety. Strange things us moms gotta do sometimes. ;-)


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