Ripped in Two

No matter how sanctified I grow to be in this lifetime, my love will not be sufficient for anyone.

No, no. No matter how much I give of my own power, it will never be enough to heal a hurting person. I will never be able to stopper the source of human tears. My words will never have the power to heal the dull ache of a broken heart.

I talk myself into believing that during the times when all's going well, I am more equipped to love like Christ than I am at any other time. I think that if I've memorized enough verses that week or spouted enough spiritual quips, I don't need Christ with quite the desperation I needed him yesterday. I can stand on my own a little more.

Right?

Sometimes it's in the most quiet moments that I realize how deep my pride runs. I wait around for God to give me the power to do a certain thing that I want to do, conceivably "for him." When I get the power, as it were, I do that thing, then say, "Okay, God, thanks for the help!" and walk on, subconsciously believing that next time I face a similar situation, he will have already trained me in how to handle it, and I won't need him. I tell myself that I won't bother him as he helps all the other people on earth. I'll only call on him to help me with something "new."

This can't be. I am saved, yes, but the principle behind salvation runs deeper than I realized that morning in fourth grade Sunday school when I declared Christ king of my heart. Christ now lives in me by his Holy Spirit. Any time I try to live apart from the Spirit, whether in good times or in bad, I am ripping my very self away. I am utterly incapable of living an identity-less life, and that's what I attempt to do when I put Christ aside until I "need him."

I don't ever not need him -- that's the bottom line. My efforts will never, ever be godly enough to portray God accurately to those who do not know him (and those who do). Only in letting God himself, in the form of his Spirit, live through me will I be a true picture of his character and love.