incurvatus in se

I had a few ideas for this post that slowly morphed and/or degraded into what it is now. The truth is, I wanted to write about pride. Then I realized that I was feeling prideful about the fact I was dealing with my pride. Then I decided that I wasn't going to write. Then I wrote in my journal. All that to say, what I want to say is now in my journal, but I have re-written it for you here.

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Who knew that motherhood would be such a battle with pride? Ellie is already so beautiful and smart, I find myself feeling vanity on her behalf, as it were. My weak and wayward heart!

In addition, I've noticed that I feel as if I can be a godly mom without anyone else's help. Like, I'm already there, I just falter from time to time. The reality is that I'm totally incapable of being godly, or teaching Ellie to be godly, without a daily outpouring of grace, the Spirit's guidance and humble brokenness over my sin.

I feel brokenness now...I see my dirty self with an appalled loathing that drives me to find solace in the gospel.

Oh, that I would come to the cross and the empty tomb before ever I reach this point!