Ugh. Home-brewed iced coffee - even a few swallows! - is wake-up juice if I ever had it. Or maybe the reason I'm wide-awake while the hubby and baby are snugly sleeping (as they should be - Chris watched Elayne while I had some grown-up time and she screamed his ears off for two hours) is because thoughts of a loved one lie heavy on my heart.
Even now, I sigh to think about it. This loved one is hurting badly, and turning to everything except Christ to find answers. Now he's turning inward, hiding away, and it pains me greatly to see. I pray for him often, though not nearly enough. However, I know it is not my prayers nor my words that can ultimately help him. Only the Holy Spirit can do that, by opening his eyes to the love of Christ and the blissful hope that he offers through his death and resurrection.
Thus unfolds one of the biggest challenges in my life: comprehending that it is not I, nor a perfect series of words or actions, that can help or save a person. I find it confusing - it is obviously not wrong to want the person to be helped or saved, yet it is wrong for me to trust myself rather than God to do the work (1 Corinthians 3:6-7, 2 Corinthians 3:4-6). I can't seem to let go of the notion that my own power plays a part, somehow. I am allowed to play some part in the sense that I can petition the Lord for souls, but it is not because I merited that privilege by earning Good Christian Points. Reconciling that in my mind is difficult, to say the least.
In addition, I feel that if I say the wrong series of things in an effort to point this loved one to Christ, that I will undo whatever work has already been done in his heart. When I step back from this idea, it is laughable - as if my weak and transient words could override the work of the Holy Spirit and the plan that God has sovereignly ordained! Yet I continue in this line of thought, day after day.
I don't want to indulge the sin of distrust even as I do something that would please the Lord if done rightly. I am glad that he knows the motive of my heart. I hope that the motive, at least, pleases him. After all, the Lord understands how I feel about this loved one, how much I desire that he discover Christ as all-sufficient, for he loves this person more than I could even imagine loving him. I am thankful that he's allowed me in this person's life so that I can act as his ambassador. Blessed privilege that is! May he give me grace and help to trust him ever more as I represent his glorious person on this earth.