Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Trying to Figure This Out

Maybe that's my first problem - I'm trying to "figure this out."

For those of you who may not have heard, Chris and my first child, a daughter, was born on Sunday, May 27, at 1:39 pm. Her name is Elayne, she was 6 lbs, 4 oz, and 18 inches long. She's a beauty, and we are so very proud to be her parents.

This first week of parenthood has been interesting and difficult. I don't do well with change, and this is (obviously) a change of tremendous magnitude. Thank God for giving me a husband who takes this kind of thing in stride, and has very realistic expectations for what new phases of life will look like. So far, parenthood is kind of like marriage in that it is wonderful, yet hard in ways that you can't fully understand until you've been there. Not that I think I'm some veteran - au contraire! - most of the time I'm asking myself, "What on earth am I doing?!"

If you've been on my Facebook page lately, you might have seen that Chris and I think I may be experiencing postpartum depression. Apparently, 1 in 4 women go through this veritable maelstrom of malicious hormones, and those who have had depression before (read: me) are much more susceptible to it. For those of you who have never been depressed, the best way I can describe it is this: a depressed person's thinking is limited to a concrete cell. A wall rises up in front of the person's mind, and the more depressed they are, the more incapable of penetrating that wall they feel. It prevents them from seeing the greater perspective, finding hope, and deriving joy from circumstances. That's where I am right now - when I see Elayne, I find myself feeling sad and hopeless, and harboring dread about the future (for example - "I'll never get good sleep again...things will always be this difficult...Chris and I will never get time together...I'll never get to do anything I personally want to do because the baby will take up all my time forever...").

I guess you could say I feel a bit more prepared to deal with depression this time around, since Chris and I have spent almost three years learning how to battle it off together with prayer, encouragement and the truth of God's Word. That sounds really nice and spiritual, but in reality, it stinks in epic proportions. I don't want to be here again, and I'm asking for prayer that God will deliver me out of this very soon. I want to enjoy every moment with Elayne, for she is truly a treasure. If only my brain would meet up with my heart there.

Hopefully, I'll have a more positive story to post next time. I mean to start blogging more consistently, now that the little one has arrived. Perhaps I'll post my birth story eventually - we'll see (not everyone wants to hear about that, and I understand!). In the meantime, I wanted to give you this brief update. Over and out.


  1. If you want to write your birth story, I want to read it. :)

    In the meantime, know that I'm praying for you, as are dozens and dozens of others. You are not alone!

    Call me. Anytime.

  2. My dear daughter,
    You're doing better than you know, and probably way better than you think you are. Having a child (or children) is a huge adjustment, but it is also a precious endeavor that brings more joy to your life than one can imagine.
    Sometimes I think life can be more difficult for the 'extreme planners' and the 'trying to figure this outers' of the world. Why? Because it is harder to roll with the punches when things don't go according to plan or according to what we understand or expect things will look like.
    Those that have been given more of a 'taking it in stride' obviously are able to roll with the punches a little more easily. This life approach has other drawbacks though.
    So neither one is better than the other, just different. Each has their own things to learn in life.
    Final comment... Life is a journey full of learning experiences. As much as you can, enjoy the things that God brings for you to learn today.
    I love you chica!

  3. Oh Jaimie! While I understand it's crazy right now (oh do I remember!), please try to understand that it's so early on. You're hormones need time to regulate. I think every woman (or at least me and my sister) goes crazy for at least the first two weeks. It's difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know. But it might pass, and you may just need time. I'll be praying for you.

    As a second note, not to be a downer, but motherhood is hard and I'm not saying you shouldn't enjoy motherhood at all, but realize that babies are exhausting and if you feel like being a mom isn't that fun and you don't want to hold/feed/change/rock/soothe/etc baby anymore, then you are totally NORMAL. I love my daughter and I love being a mom, but there are moments and tantrums where I'm not that excited about it. Nursing or bottle feeding at 2am when you're exhausted isn't fun and please don't let anyone bully you into thinking it rocks because it doesn't. I wish we were closer. I would come and hold Elayne and not wake you up unless she was completely losing it, so you could get 4 solid hours of sleep! My mom did that for me and it was one of the nicest things anyone did in my first to weeks after birth. Also, ask people for help. People love holding the baby, so ask them and let them if you're comfortable with that. Every mom has been there and we remember that it was rough =)


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