Wednesday, April 21, 2010


It amazes me, what things make up the commentary on my state of mind.

The feeling of chaos. Maybe not that much is happening--I don't really know. I only know that I feel chaotic.

My emotions battle with countering thoughts, and it becomes difficult to tell whether the countering thoughts are comforts or justification for beating myself up for feeling the way I do.

Things are out of place, left where we dropped them.
Chris cleaned off those papers for you.

It seems that eating utensils appear on the counter 24-7, no matter how much we keep up with them.
PJ did the dishes today.

need to vacuum the house. I need organize my books. I need to see this person and this person and this person, pronto! What do I not need to do?
Perhaps the things I think I need to do are not as important as I think they are; after all, no one is going to die from a thin layer of dust on the top shelf of the bookcase.

I feel frustrated that I want to curl up in the bedroom, tucked away from everything with my textbooks, handouts and laptop strewn across the comforter. If I do, maybe I can get everything done, and then I'll be happy, right?

I know that I'm drawing back from people more often than usual, lately. Why do I feel like I must choose between relationships and peace, and good grades and--well--chaos?

Surely "being perfect" isn't worth this, but honestly, I don't know how to not try to be.


  1. You're growing. Really and truly, however hard it may be. And your last line caught my attention: sometimes, I think perhaps you try to be perfect even by trying not to be perfect.

    Our only hope is to recognize that our own "perfection," such as it is, gains us nothing before God. His grace has already gained us, and continues to gain for us, more favor that we can imagine. He loves us beyond our ability to grasp or comprehend.

  2. I can totally relate to this. Lately I've been thinking about how I don't know how NOT to try to be in control in my life. I don't want to be in control anymore. But I've been trying to be in control for so long that it seems impossible. Same thing with "perfection."

    I agree with Chris. When I try not to be in control, I'm being controlling - in a different way. Ugh. I guess it comes down to letting go. It's sad that it takes me realizing I can't humanly accomplish something before I realize that I should be relying on God in the first place for the transformation.

    Hang in there! When you look back on this time, you'll be amazed at how much God has grown you!

    Prayers for you, dear!

  3. Beloved daughter-in-heart,

    I am reminded of the most beautiful gardens I love—they aren't the pristine rose gardens with perfectly manicured hedges. The ones I love are the cottage gardens—a joyful riot of color with various plants and flowers all crying for my attention.

    It's the "organized" chaos of the gardener that draws me. While there was a plan, the plants have a way of growing willy-nilly at different rates and in different ways and times. And it's that very craziness that draws me. It's freedom in growth.

    Our lives are much the same. We may feel like a garden full of weeds, but others look and only see a life—full of Him, full of growth, full of joy. That's what I see in you. :) Praying for you.


Talk to me, or send via telepathy. But don't be rude!

Personal attacks, trolling, spam and anonymous posts will be deleted.