Folks, do you remember my previous post about babies? If you don't, take a look-see.
Wonderful. Thank you!
I'm writing to announce...that I am NOT pregnant. And, oddly enough, I've been devastated all morning and afternoon.
When I wrote the baby post, I obviously wasn't going to voice my suspicions that the pregnancy guess might be an accurate one. To make a long story short, I experienced a string of potential pregnancy symptoms this week that had me, in my idealistic fervor, believing there was a little baby inside. Chris and I waited out the week: he kept back his own opinion so as to not intensify my already-confused emotions.
Ah, emotions. This week has been filled with moments of terror juxtaposed with moments of high excitement.
I repeatedly told myself I wouldn't think about the possibility of a baby, especially since it would overthrow all our plans and freak out my family. However, my thinking about not thinking about it just made me think about it.
I can't describe the emotions wrapped up in the idea. I kept telling my husband that "I don't know how to feel." Parenthood is a hugely serious thing, and at the moment when I put my hand on my tummy and said, laughingly, "Are you in there?" the implications began to hit me at full speed, and I summarily stopped laughing. I was caught in the netherworld between joyous hope and debilitating fear.
A week of confusion, ending with the conclusion I subconsciously expected in the first place. I shed a lot of tears today.
I feel silly, but at the same time I know that this feeling of mourning, if you will, is somehow legitimate.
I'm writing to empty my mind of the secret that has been wanting to burst out for seven days.
I'm at peace, now, because God is faithful and good. I realize He understands emotion--truly "called for" or not--and comforts well. He is a great listener! I can only hope and pray that this experience pours greater faith into me. The sadness will probably return in some degree, I know, but I consider this another chip off my barrier to surrender. Which, as all will agree in the end, is entirely worth the disappointment.